The probability of winning an argument
by DarkIthil
Summary: ...Is close to zero. Captain Kirk tries his best strategy of winning an argument only to have it go not exactly as planned. Oneshot. Slash, K/S, and strange humor.


**Summary:** Captain Kirk tries his best strategy of winning an argument only to have it go not exactly as planned. Oneshot.

**Warnings:** Contains slash. Should be under the **genre** of romance with a bits of drama and hilarity all bound together by the author's love for mathematics and the theory of probability, so should any of this scare you, then stay away, you've been warned.

**Pairing:** K/S.

**Disclaimer:** Oh, how I wish to own a bit of that green blooded hobgoblin, sigh, but the odds are so against me it's unfair.

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**-The probability of winning an argument... is close to zero -**

The doors of the elevator opened with a whoosh sound and the previously quite tranquil corridor exploded in motion and sound as two figures stormed through it, not stopping their agitated discussion. The crew members quickly stepped aside.

"Captain, I really must protest this time," the Vulcan had no problems keeping up with the determined piece the human was marching.

A surprised yeoman leaped out of their way.

"Was there actually a time you didn't protest, Mr. Spock? But in any case we are going to carry through the plan," and James T. Kirk sounded as determined as he looked, not even trying to slow down his stride.

Spock frowned, "But, Captain, if proceeded as you planned, the statistical likelihood of Enterprise arriving to the destination unscathed is..."

"Oh, spare me your probabilities, Mr. Spock," Kirk nearly barked out, then suddenly stopped, making his second in command almost run into him, and turned around to face the Vulcan.

"Just... just be a bit more optimistic, will you? Have some faith in the plan..." – _in me_ – hovered in the air between them, unsaid.

They were unmoving.

The Commander gave him a long look and finally said, "Regardless of ones beliefs, the chances of this plan succeeding, moreover completing the mission, are close to zero. Conversely, if Enterprise is to set course towards E-125..."

"If Enterprise is to set course towards E-125," Kirk interrupted him, "it would take us too long, we just won't make it in time! Now, if we go forward as I planned..."

"Then the ship would enter the zone that, I believe, is classified as 'the most dangerous place in the Galaxy'. And by advancing through it without the ability to achieve at least wrap 5, preferably more, would make us quite vulnerable. The probability of the ship being discovered is roughly 97.5%."

Kirk grinned, "Well now, you know me and the no-win scenarios."

Spock's frown deepened, "Captain, I wouldn't ascribe this situation to the no-win scenarios you seem to be oddly attached to. It is a simple matter of not taking an unnecessary risk."

The man sighed, lowering his gaze down.

"Look," he gestured vaguely with his hands, searching for words, any convincing arguments, and to Vulcan standards no less. None came to mind.

He sighed again, looking at Spock, searching his face "Why can't you just simply believe I can pull it off, and we'll complete the mission successfully?"

The Vulcan met his gaze unblinking, "It is unlikely..."

"Unlikely, but not impossible!" Kirk was triumphant. "Besides, we've done what was considered 'unlikely' before, numerous times I might add," he was smirking that infuriatingly shit-eating grin of his.

Spock suppressed a strange, alien urge to sigh or pinch the bridge of his nose, an urge his Captain was disturbingly skilled in provoking, "These are unrelated events. The probability of one mission being successful does not correlate, nor in any way elevate the chances of the other one resulting in success."

"Now that's where you are wrong, Spock, can't you see it?" Jim was staring into those dark eyes, trying to find some understanding. "We, the crew and this whole damn ship, have been through a lot. And with each mission, with each success, we are getting better, more skills and all that! The crew gets better, hell, they start to believe in themselves!" – _and why can't you believe in them, in me, just a bit?_ – he wanted to ask, to whisper.

Spock was meeting his gaze unwavering, "The crew, evidently, is getting better. But, Captain, you fail to understand and therefore take into account the existence of factors independent of the crew... or its captain. Consider a hypothetical scenario if Enterprise is discovered by an enemy that would greatly outnumber us, or if..."

"Oh, come on, Spock! We just as likely might get through this stupid zone without being discovered by anyone," and sensing he was about to get interrupted by his second in command, again, he hastily added, "OK, maybe not 'just as likely' but still that is possible!"

He was being frowned at, so Jim grinned, "Besides, I've proven de facto that under my command the ship is capable of succeeding in even the most seemingly unwinnable situations, and so many times that I should be called Captain Everything-Is-Possible-Kirk!"

And on cue up went the brow. The grin got wider.

It really looked like his first officer was taking a bit of his time deciding how exactly to argue that bizarre statement, so Jim went offensive – after all defense was for sissies – and if played well this would prove to be so damn good.

"I say the chances of my plan being successful are the same as the chances of me being able to seduce you right here right now, that is to say close to zero, wouldn't you agree, Mr. Spock?" he said in a low voice.

"Excuse me?" now both eyebrows went up.

"You heard me, Spock. I believe, and you've proven me right so many times, unfortunately, that a random, arbitrary and out of the blue attempt at jumping your bones has 'close to zero' chances to succeed, and that is the same likelihood you said my plan had of being successful, I might add," Kirk smiled, stepping towards his first officer.

Spock's eyes widened for a moment before he was once again in control of his facial expressions.

"Captain, I believe now is not the right time, nor place for..."

But Jim quickly looked around to inquire where exactly they were located at the moment, for he wasn't paying much attention to the surroundings up till now, and oh, good, a useless and most importantly empty supply closet just nearby.

He grinned and grabbed his unsuspecting first officer, being able to use the physically stronger Vulcan's state of 'unsuspecting' in order to pull him inside the closet and after kicking the door shut to pin him against a wall.

"Captain," Spock started to protest, but Kirk would have none of it, and determinately seized his first officer's arm, clutching it, kneading it, running his fingers to intertwine with the much hotter ones and squeezing them closer.

"Well, Mr. Spock," he whispered into his lips, "what do you think are my chances of succeeding in doing this?" he kissed him softly.

"Or this?"

A low moan filled the air.

"Or what are the odds that I'll be able – ah, that felt good – to do this?"

The sound of rustling fabric was heard.

"And what is the probability of me doing that, Mr. Spock? ... Or that? ... Oh my God, just don't stop!"

And he kept doing very improbable and statistically unlikely things to be done in a supply closet.

Much later, when they were clutching each other, both breathing hard, trying to catch up with the rest of the world, Kirk, for the last time kissing the lovely neck in front of him, managed to gather enough willpower to disentangle himself from the warm, oh so warm, body beside him and looked into still slightly blurred dark eyes.

"Well, Mr. Spock," he breathed, "have I proven myself to be Captain Everything-Is-Possible-Kirk?"

But surprisingly – or maybe not so surprisingly – the Vulcan just arched the brow.

"I'm regretful to admit I'm not following your proof, Jim."

"What? Haven't you ever heard of proving your point by sex?" Kirk was scandalized.

But receiving an odd look from his lover, Jim clutched at his hair, "Oh my God! You haven't heard of that wonderful rule!" he whispered in distress.

And there was the arched brow, "I fail to see how an act of sexual intercourse could be correlated with an argument on a different, unrelated subject."

Jim's head fell onto the warm shoulder with a thud, "But women use such ways to win arguments all the time," he whined.

Unbeknown to him the brow went up even higher.

"I..." he started only to be interrupted by Kirk:

"Don't say anything, just don't."

The captain took several deep breaths and lifted his head, ready to face that gaze of his first officer.

"You can admit that on several occasions in the past I was good in doing what was considered to be almost impossible by others?"

Spock nodded.

"And is it possible that I can lead our ship through this zone without being noticed by anyone even though the odds are against us?" his eyes were pleading.

Spock nodded once again, "Yes, I believe there is a higher chance of you doing such maneuver than it being done by any other captain I know."

And, oh boy, Jim's insides were filled with such a dazzling joy after the admission it was ridiculous, honestly.

However Spock apparently wasn't done talking.

The Vulcan broke eye contact, "I just do not wish to endanger the crew, Jim. I..." he sighed. "Too many of those who shouldn't be dead have died. I do not wish to see more unnecessary deaths," he lifted his gaze to look at Jim.

Oh Sweet Mother of God, but if it wasn't the sign of the approaching Apocalypse, for Jim found a better way of winning an argument than sex, and it was used against him at the very moment!

He was so screwed, but the look, the almost timid, tender look on Spock's face made him so endearing, so vulnerable, so... damn impossible to argue with.

Jim closed his eyes and smiled, kissing the soft shoulder in front of him.

"'K, you are right, I don't want my men to die either. Let's just think of a better plan, which would surely succeed."

And as Spock's face brightened and those dark eyes were so warm and smiling, Captain James T. Kirk couldn't help but think _I'm so screwed_ and he was dead certain of it.

_- FIN -_

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**An:** I've finally tried my hand on the very origins of slash! And it felt soooo good. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and I hope it was funny for someone besides yours truly.


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